Commitment Phobe 101

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Commitment Phobe 101

It wasn’t until I got into my 40’s that I found myself in a relationship with someone who just couldn’t find it in their heart to commit. It was a very confusing time and one that I found I would repeat more than once.

Since then I have watched other women repeat the same mistakes that I did. Most just keep hanging in there, hoping that one day he will keep his promises or one day he will just happen to fall madly in love with you or one day you will have worked hard enough to make him see what a great mate you would be for him or one day…you get the picture.

Some women get tired of this game and will walk away hoping that he will follow. The hope is that he will miss you enough that he will realize what a boob he was for letting you go and will ride up on his white steed, engagement ring in hand, confessing his crazy mistake and whisking you off into the sunset to live happily ever after.

Here’s the thing. Sometimes hanging in there works. And sometimes walking away works. The question is-how do you know which one to do with which guy?

I say that if you are doing either of these things then you are on the wrong track altogether. If you are focusing on him doing something or not, your happiness depends entirely on what he chooses. You are attached to a picture of what you want and you keep hoping the guy in front of you is going to change to fit the picture. Most often this causes a lot of pain before it ultimately ends.

Your freedom from suffering comes when you start to listen to your own inner wisdom and make a stand for something different.

The day you can finally say, with full conviction, “I am really ready for a fully committed relationship and I would really like that to happen with you. For my needs to be met, it looks like X. I’m not sure what it looks like for you to have your needs met, but I want to discuss it to see if we are on the same page,” then this is your first step toward getting the love you truly want. And this love doesn’t depend on him staying in the relationship or not. The source is your own love for you. You are no longer willing to put up with pain as love. You are ready for a new experience.

The hardest part is being willing to walk away if you’re really not on the same page. He has now told you that he is not going to meet your needs (by either avoiding you, being evasive, trying to convince you that you are WAY off base, or telling you straight out), so for you to stay, it will only bring the same pain over and over.

If he does say yes, that he does want to try to forge a relationship, then that is where the journey begins, not ends. Everything is not suddenly tied up with a big red bow. If you can really begin to get curious about who your man is, and if you can really begin to get curious about who you are and how to have it work so that both of you are happy, then that is a whole new world that can open up for both of you.

The good news in both situations, is you get to feel good about you. You have handled the situation without strategizing to keep your man, without game playing or manipulating. You haven’t bought into the game of push me, pull you.

What you have done is made a true stand for love. Love for yourself, and ultimately love for him. You may both go on to find relationships that really do fit, without all of the pain and torment. You can lay your head on your pillow at night feeling good about yourself, which, ultimately brings you the love you wanted in the first place.

2 Responses so far.

  1. Rebecca says:

    Hey Marion …great stuff as per always. Impressed with your commitment to self. Going to try and forward to a few women I know who struggle with same issues. I know this will speak to them

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