Mixed Message Mike


Mixed Message Mike thumbnail

Mixed Message Mike

Mike isn’t exactly one person. He has been a number of men I met while dating, so consider Mike a conglomerate.

When I went into my forties, I had just broken up with the guy I thought for sure was my ONE. I was completely head over heels and wanted a life with him, but neither of us could pull it off. We just weren’t equipped with the skills to manage the communication needed to have a happy, long term relationship. After that, my self esteem was in the toilet. And, because you are who you sleep with and we match the emotional availability level of whomever we are with, (yes, it’s true) I met and dated a whole bunch of men whose self esteem was also in the toilet. (You can read a bunch more about that in my book as soon as it’s available www.thelimegreenplasticcoveredcouch.com)

The thing that choked me the most is that mixed message guys didn’t happen to mention that they weren’t available until after you had slept with them. Then, it seemed, they were only too quick to tell you the story.

One guy said, “I can’t believe I feel so connected to you. What is this feeling?”

Then, the morning after, in the not too distant future:

“My heart just isn’t available right now.”

One guy said, “You are so beautiful, we have such an amazing time together and I really, like you.

Then, the morning after, in the not too distant future:

“Yes, this is great, but I want to date other women.”

One guy phoned and asked me out after spending some weeks working on a project together.

Then, the morning after, in the not too distant future:

I have a girlfriend. She’s working out of town right now.

Funny, there had not been a word of mention about her in the weeks prior.

I was never a “no sex before monogamy” rule kind of girl, I had just never run into men where it wasn’t an automatic thing before. By the time I was sleeping with someone, it meant we were in a relationship. I dated these mixed message guys at the same time my heart was really broken so my radar was really off and I kept running into more heartbreak.

Instead of pointing the finger and blaming the men, at this point in my life I was learning that the pattern lived within me. I had some heartbreak that was very old that I needed to establish a new relationship with, or I would just keep leaving relationships and attracting unavailable men.

Many people would use the term heal the heartbreak, and many would assume that I just had to grieve and get over the guy I thought was my ONE, but that’s not what I have found works. It goes much deeper than that. After establishing a new relationship to the heartbreak I realized that my subconscious would always be looking for evidence of how the next guy was going to break my heart, and even in my longer term relationships I would find it in subtle ways until I couldn’t bear the feeling anymore and would leave the relationship. I would never be able to do something different until I was able just to feel the feeling of heartbreak and not make it mean anything about me being a wimp and unable to stand up for myself, or my lover being a mean jerk or my parents not loving me enough, or at least not loving me properly, or women being victims, or men being bullies.

The thing we don’t realize is our subconscious mind makes these things up about us and about others, when the reality is, that is our defense mechanism so we don’t feel the feeling of heartbreak. All it takes is about 10 minutes to sit with the feeling, feel it, then once you are on the other side of it and a whole new world of possibility opens up.

Simple? Yes. Easy? No.

And it’s not a magic bullet. Every time the feeling comes up, and it will come up again and again, this time we get to feel it, recognize it for what it is…a feeling that doesn’t have to rule our world and we don’t have to make it mean a million things, then we get to have a new experience of life.

As I was learning how to create a new relationship to my feelings, I became a “no sex before monogamy” rule girl. It helped me weed out the guys that were really not available for a long term relationship. It meant asking them the hard questions before I got involved with them, and it also helped me set myself up for success.

I am a big advocate for counselling, especially transpersonal (spiritually based) psychology counselling. I never would have been able to learn how to get to the other side of my feelings or set myself up for success by setting up structures for myself without some help. How can we create a new perspective for ourselves when we only see life from our perspective?

If you are a woman that struggles to find lasting love, then I encourage you to get some help on your journey. I promise you, you will be eternally grateful.

  • On Wed Feb 5, my friend Liz Coleman, also a registered counsellor, will be doing a blog talk radio program at 12:30 on www.blogtalkradio.com. We are The LOVE Therapists. Feel free to listen and call in to ask any questions you may have.

3 Responses so far.

  1. Christian says:

    “Instead of pointing the finger and blaming the men, at this point in my life I was learning that the pattern lived within me. I had some heartbreak that was very old that I needed to establish a new relationship with, or I would just keep leaving relationships and attracting unavailable men.”

    That is a distinction that most people who stumble through less than stellar relationships never make.

    Although a lot of people say it, it does ring true that “it’s not them, it’s you”.

  2. Amethyst says:

    I’m glad you were able to change your rules. I always had a rule about everyone getting tested for STD’s before sleeping with anyone (that means the other person AND me). A few guys got royally pissed about that, but if you can’t talk about those types of things and be responsible, I’m surely not going to get naked with you. Not with something like 60% of people having herpes. No way.

    • Marion says:

      Amethyst,
      A great policy. A great example of setting yourself up for success. Not only do you protect yourself from STD’s, you really get to see who has your best interests at heart. If a guy wants to run away after a request like that, then let them, I say.





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