My Sex Life Sucks!


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I remember the moment as if it were yesterday. I arrived home from work after about a month of marriage, still overjoyed to see my new husband. I went to plant a passionate kiss on him, and I couldn’t believe the response I got. It was like kissing a zombie.

“Hello! Are you in there? Is anybody home?”

I asked what was wrong and Eddie told me he was exhausted as he had had a really hard day at work. What I heard was, “I’m bored with you already. You just don’t have the same appeal and you really aren’t all that exciting anymore. I’m not going to make any kind of effort to make life good for you, so just be happy with a lack luster existence from now on and everything will be fine.”

And from that moment on, Eddie couldn’t move without my brain looking for evidence to substantiate this new fact.

Up until this point, our life had been a fairy tale. We were incredibly passionate together. Sex was an everyday occurrence, and twice on Sundays. Suddenly it was like life kicked in and I had a husband who turned off the passion switch and just wanted to kick back and watch the hockey game. Personally, I wasn’t ready to kick back and watch the hockey game. I wanted life to continue the way it was. Anything less than unbridled passion meant that he was bored and that I may as well get my suitcase ready to pack. I thought he was falling out of love with me and it was only a matter of time.

In that one kiss, something changed drastically for me and our love life when on a downward spiral. I didn’t realize how much my subconscious was constantly looking for evidence of his boredom. If he didn’t show exactly the right amount of passion when approaching me, I KNEW he was fantasizing about someone else and I may as well just have been a blow up doll.

It didn’t matter that he told me he was crazy madly in love with me all the time. Even a couple of years in, he was saying he fell more in love with me every day we were together. Just the other day he said he really likes being married. He likes using the word “wife”.

One day I realized I had had enough of this. I either had to settle for a crappy love life for the rest of my life (and I’m just not one to settle for mediocre), or I had to figure out something else. I knew that trying to change him or modify my own behaviour wasn’t going to work. Getting out my lacy undies and prancing around the bedroom like a stripper is just not going to do it for me. It’s like putting icing on a mud pie. I couldn’t pretend to be all worked up when my heart felt broken and guarded.

I knew I had to look inside myself for an answer. What was really going on? I dug deep.

I knew if I wanted to stay in this relationship happily, I needed to challenge what I was thinking. I got to the bottom of it by fully feeling the heartbreak and letting it say what it needed to say. Then I was able to get in touch with all of the things I believed about him, about me, and about love. What I discovered was that my biggest fear was having a dead marriage. I used to compare my parents marriage to the ones I saw in movies and in fairly tales and decided I liked the fantasy ones better. When Eddies big passion wore off, I saw my biggest fear starting to come true. I realized that this fear was what kept me leaving my relationships over and over again in the past. And by buying into my fear I was the one that was creating the deadness in the present.

This is a big issue for me, and it was important enough that I wanted to pull up my big girl panties and do something different. I knew that if I left Eddie, I would just re-create this experience in my next relationship as I had in every other relationship I bailed on. I started to look for different evidence in the things Eddie said and did.

Case in point:

Eddie: “I love you Bunny”. (We call each other Bunny)

Old me: “He’s just saying that because he feels he has to. The love he feels is just a watered down version of what he used to feel, I’m sure.

New me: Reality check. OK, maybe he does still really love me. He looks me straight in the eye when he says it and I can see love in his eyes.

Eddie: “Bunny, I want to take you away for your birthday weekend. Where do you want to go?”

Old me: “Oh, great. He’s probably just going to want to sit around and watch the hockey game while we’re away and then demand sex.”

New me: Reality check. What’s really going to happen? He’s going to take me for a massage, a little shopping, out to dinner and we will stay in a nice hotel where we can get room service for breakfast. If there is a hockey game, he will want to watch it. Does that mean he doesn’t love me, or he’s bored? No. It means he wants to watch the hockey game because he loves hockey. Does he ever demand sex? No. He is kind and caring and wants to connect with me and feel loved.

I have started to question everything I believe about Eddie and our marriage. And that’s a good thing as long term relationships haven’t exactly been my easy place. The best thing about it is that our sex life is just naturally getting better as a result of my questioning and challenging what’s going on for me. The stuff I can’t change myself, I surrender it to the Universe and help comes.

What I have realized is that love feels incredibly risky. If I’m going to open my heart to love someone, it’s so easy to feel heartbroken at the flip of a switch when I start to believe something that may or may not be true. With Eddie, I’m starting to see that the evidence I look for from my fear place is never true. I have a man who loves me and cares for me and is really good to me. The real risk is buying into my fear and my feelings of heartbreak, which ironically end up creating the thing I am most afraid of.

As I continue to open to Eddie, to get an understanding of what I believe under my feelings of heartbreak and look for new evidence and new ways to appreciate my marriage, I feel much more content and happy most of the time about everything.

And the other day I noticed I was feeling an urge to  shop for some lacy underwear…  😉

8 Responses so far.

  1. Deirdre McCarvill says:

    As always, you make it very easy to be open and transparent with you. I love your blogs Marion….underneath the titles (which always are attention grabbers) I really enjoy the depth of your sharing. Keep them coming!!!

  2. Wendy Noel says:

    Loved this. It’s not about changing the underwear, or your partner, it is about changing your beliefs. or challenging them.
    thanks.

  3. Fatima Jiwa says:

    Looks like we have a lot in common Marion, aside from our love for sweet things, this blog post has conjured up some thoughts about my own guarded heart, views on what love is supposed to be like, and what’s been modelled at home as healthy… Kudos for being so transparent – I’m excited about reading more of these….

    • Marion says:

      Ha Fatima! Your resistance melted, I see.
      The tough part was it was so easy to stay in my righteousness and helplessness about it. HE started it! How can I do anything about this? It’s HIS fault! After getting tired of that conversation I finally got curious about what I could do. It took a bit, but I was finally able to see something new.
      Now about quitting sugar…

  4. Thanks Marion,

    I guess you are like me and understand the truth can set you FREE!
    It takes courage to hang your laundry in Public but your sharing this may save someones marriage because as you shared you get what you think about. So nice, to see you found the Positive side to life with your Husband

    Michael

    • Marion says:

      Thanks so much, Michael. I did a 3 year experiential counsellor training program at Clearmind International, where our life was the curriculum. I am so used to sharing every intimate detail of who I am with my classmates, that taking it out into a larger world feels relatively easy. My goal definitely, is to help others.
      I appreciate your comment!





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