You Are Who You Sleep With

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Pollyanna and Hitler

You are who you sleep with.

What? What are you talking about and what do you mean? That was my first thought when these words tumbled out of my teachers mouth.

He explained. “You are at the same level of ability to have a relationship as the partner you are with. You are both comfortable with a certain level of emotional closeness. Once you start to get too close is when all hell starts to break loose. You then find ways to push each other away.

That was not possible in my world. I knew I was much more mature than most of the men I had dated.

In one of my darker moments of trying to find the perfect guy, I stumbled upon Bob. He imagined things that hadn’t happened or he would embellish a situation so that it no longer resembled reality. Looking back, I realized he had some kind of psychosis. He was always the one going off the deep end and it was easy to see that he was the one who had the biggest issues, wasn’t it? I couldn’t see how we matched and denied the idea that we had to be matching with the degree of closeness we were capable of.

While struggling through this issue and complaining bitterly about Bob, my teacher tossed me a small bomb: “So,

what made you give him your phone number?”

Clunk. Penny drops with a thud, light bulb goes on, bells and whistles sound, and smoke comes streaming out my ears. I had known Bob in a social setting and I was the one who suggested we date. Looking back I had to wonder what had attracted me to him. Was I really so uncomfortable about being close that I chose someone who was psychotic? Was my self esteem really at such a low level? It was hard to fathom.

I think back to some of his crazy behaviour and to a friend’s warning: “I’ve never met anyone who seems so uncomfortable in his own skin.” The only thing that makes sense is that I was blinded by the fantasy of wanting a relationship badly and I was terrified of getting close to someone. I think of myself as a loving, open and willing person who sees the good side in everyone. Little did I know at the time that my Pollyanna nature would put me into a scary situation where I had to phone the police to stop Bob from pounding on my front door and yelling threats through the mail slot.

Even Hitler had a long-term partner, Eva Braun. From the world’s perspective, Eva could write a book about what a

bad guy he was and all the terrible things he did and many would agree. And it’s not as though Hitler was a handsome, sexy guy with women falling at his feet. I can’t imagine what love must have felt like to her if she was attracted to him. And what would make you continue to stay in a relationship with a maniacal killer?

I know this is a tough idea to fathom, but the more I looked at it through the eyes of how close I was really willing and able to get to a man, the more I knew it was true that I matched in my ability to get close. It was the first of many steps to realize that it was me that needed to learn to do something different, not the men I dated. And, luckily, that’s the good news. If I can learn to do something new, then my success or failure lies with me.

And, as I always say…you get to put your head on your pillow, loving yourself more, which is ultimately the goal in the first place.

To learn more about intimate relationships and how you can learn to get closer to someone, check out 

8 Responses so far.

  1. Christian says:

    I’m loving what you’re putting out here. Too many people don’t realize that it’s not the other person, it’s them. These posts are full of awareness of who we are and how we interact will attract like people into our intimate relationships.

    I took a year off of dating to figure this out about 10 years ago… when I got it figured out, that’s when the woman who became my wife stumbled into my world.

    Great stuff! :-)

    • Marion says:

      Hey Christian,
      Isn’t this stuff juicy???
      I’m so glad you took the time to figure out your own personal road map of what makes you tick. And especially glad you found love and happiness.
      The exact same thing happened for me. Once I just got happy anyway, love came easily.
      Thanks for your share.

  2. Wow, you could have written this about my own life. I struggled so hard in relationships for most of my life. I was the ‘stupid loyal’ person who let themselves be treated poorly and even abused in every way because I would not give up on my perception of the person’s potential instead of their reality. In my mind, there was always hope that it would get better until something horrible would happen that would force me to realize the inevitable, I was wrong.

    And then I would go on to the next relationship. And the same thing would happen. During the last two years I have come so far in accepting the fact that I chose those people and that while I had the best of intentions, they were not on my level at all… in any way, shape or form. I didn’t value myself enough to see that then, but I do now.

    I recently took a year off as well, no dating, no NOTHING and really evaluated what I wanted in a partner and actually came to the conclusion that if it never happened that I would be ok with that, too. That’s when I met my boyfriend now and he is everything I sat down and thought about that would be good and beneficial and fitting for me. There is no stress, no craziness, no drama. Just love. And it’s right on time without any forcing of the issue.

    This is my first time here, but I will most certainly be bookmarking your blog in my favorites and coming back soon! Thank you for sharing!

    • Marion says:

      OMGosh, you brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much. I’m glad it was helpful. If you go back into my blog archives, there may be some older ones that sound like they might be of some benefit as well.
      If you have any girlfriends that you think this would help, please send this along to them. I know how women struggle in relationship as we are the born caretakers of the world and I really want us all to learn to be able to take care of ourselves, just as you have done.
      I’m really glad you found the love you deserve.

  3. This is just great… yes this is just so spot on! You must write more… Strange how many people you meet … and when you meet their partner… you think “OH NO”

    • Marion says:

      Thank you! I have written more. Check out my blogs at
      And, yes, the interesting thing about that OH NO is that both people are equal in their ability to get emotionally close, even though it looks like only one of them is the problem. And, as always, the good news is that it’s a pattern you can change.
      If you know anyone that you think may benefit from reading my post, please pass it on!

  4. Rachael says:

    Brilliant post, isn’t it odd how people find each other? In general how you get people are just drawn together whether that’s romantically or just friendship. Really enjoyed reading this!

    • Marion says:

      Hey Rachael,
      Thanks so much. It’s an exerpt from my book that is due to come out next month. There is lots more juicy info in it like this-there is a lot more stuff we don’t realize that attracts us to people-or not.
      If you know another woman that this article could help, will you pass it on?
      Thanks again.

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