Here is the second of three reasons you are attracted to Mr. Wrong. I call it matching luggage.
(And just for the record, I don’t mean that Mr. Wrong is a schmuck, I just mean he’s wrong for you.)
When we grow up, our family has a certain amount of emotional closeness that is passed on through the generations.
The easiest way to explain it to tell you about the two extremes:
There is the person who is over 40 and still single, claims they want to be married, never having had a long term relationship, yet who most often finds relationships that are long distance. This person never learned how to be emotionally close at all. Problems in their family were likely dealt with by just not talking about them (or someone will get upset), and finding some way to distance themselves emotionally from each other. This person could have friends, but they are more often a way to pass the time and quell feelings of loneliness than an individual with which to get emotionally close and deep.
Or, there is the person who likes to be married, made a good choice of a partner and they enjoy being in a committed relationship. They know what’s important to them with a lot of emphasis spent on real connection with friends and family. They talk openly about any issues and you feel you can say anything to them and they will listen without judgement. They are the person people call on for emotional support and they know how to ask for support when they need it.
Two completely different pictures, huh?
Every person’s family will be somewhere on the continuum between these two things. Do you feel like you can talk to your family about something that is important to you? Or if you get emotional about something, do they look at you like you have horns growing out of your head?
Having deep, emotional conversations with my family is not my comfy place. Get tougher and pull up your big girl panties is my family’s motto. It has taken me some years and much time getting out of my comfort zone to start to have a different experience. Not easy, but worth it.
Although this line on the continuum may be very invisible to you, I promise you, you do have it. This line of distance that you draw in the sand in front of you keeps people at your exact level of emotional closeness. We cover it up with, Yup-I’m-OK, or It’s-all-good, or I’m-not-OK-and-you-are-going-to-pay-for-it-with-my-silence type of behaviours. And unless you have specifically and consciously cultivated something different, this line is exactly the same distance as what you will have learned in your family. Exactly.
And here’s the even juicier part. This line of distance will be the same as the man you attract in your life. You will have matching luggage. You and he will share the same emotional comfort level or something would feel just not quite right. When you meet this person sparks will fly, the clouds will part and the angels will sing. You will start reading stories about soul mates and will be sure you have found yours.
How you will know if one of you starts to get too close is your auto reactor behaviours (fight, eat, shop, shut down, the silent treatment, etc) will push the other person away and vice versa until you’re back to status quo. Phew! Another bullet dodged.
The sad part is, we never really, really get close to someone. We start to make invisible agreements in our relationships about where not to tread. Your mate learns not to talk about certain things or you will…fight, eat, shop, shut down, or give them the silent treatment and eventually the love gets shut down. And vice versa. We stop each other from saying what we need to say and we stuff our feelings down without realizing it. Mr. Right looks more and more like Mr. Wrong every day.
And what about when you are first falling in love and you feel closer to him than anyone ever? I know it feels like you let someone in really, really close when the first spark of romance is still twinkling in your eyes. But not so, Cinderella. That’s a whole other story and one for a future blog. For now, let this idea sink in and wait to see reason #3 in next weeks blog.
Unless of course you can’t wait and you just want to read the book now. Find it at this link:
And if you don’t want to miss reason #3, and even more importantly, what you can do about the reasons you are attracted to who you are attracted to, sign up for my blogs to be delivered to your inbox. I promise I won’t go crazy with emails, just really good information.
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